Have I ever told you that I’m “Mama” here? I am never referred to as Mom or Mommy or Mother- always Mama, and we’ve kept it that way quite intentionally ever since the first time Ender managed to put those sounds together for the first time.
I will probably mourn a little bit when one of my boys calls me Mom, not because it’s wrong or anything, but because I personally find the name Mama so endearing. The sound of that word makes me smile in my heart every single time I hear it. Yes, even when someone is yelling for me to “come quick” or something of that nature.
I’ve been reading as part of this month’s devotions through an older John Piper book- Don’t Waste Your Life. I’m not done with it yet, but I need to write about it today. Piper is one of those fellows that I have to read slowly, just a few pages at a time, then read those pages again before I can think on them and pray. I’ve been praying for big changes in our family life, or as our pastor would say, God-sized changes. I’m depending on God to do the things He says He will do.
It is the scariest step forward I have ever taken.
I am quiet here for a few reasons. First is sheerly practical- we’ve had either limited or no internet access for most of this month. As these kinds of things go, it’s been both good and bad for us. There’s been some frustration over a few online services we depend on (like online access to my library account and trusty netflix streaming to help us through our 80’s movie classics quest!) but there has also been an awful lot of nights spent sitting out on the deck after little boys are in bed, and reading out loud to each other for the first time in a long time.
The second reason has to do with that Piper book. I have realized in the reading of this book that I’m a certain kind of Mama and I won’t ever follow the path other people expect me to go along. This book has freed me of so many of my “am I a good mother/wife/sister/daughter” worries because I know without a doubt now that I should live my life fully and not look back. Looking back, changing, or fitting to the expectations of others would mean wasting my life.
So I’ve been living life with my boys. Being very present, leaving the inspiration behind and doing whatever it is we are inspired to do, drinking wine in the evening on the deck with my husband, talking about 10 years together coming up in just a few short weeks, and most importantly- not being the mama that stands back and takes the pictures. I’ve been in the middle of it all. Things haven’t been documented, but I was there, doing it with them.
Ezra’s first boat ride
Helping Ender learn to blow bubbles out of his nose in the pool.
The boys swimming in a lake for the first time
Listening to Ender read Hop on Pop one silly word at a time
Praying with my husband for a way to make the life we want for our boys a reality, planning to take that next step forward . . .
Camping under the stars in a place you can actually see stars (unlike our middle-of-the-city home).
I do have things to share here. We’ve been *very* busy. But I’m letting go of the guilt over
- not posting daily lately
- not always having pictures to share
- Not being like everyone else.
I’m much more interesting on my own.