My apologies for the long absence! The title says it all- I feel like I’m only able to think about things on a day-to-day basis right now! We went on a long-awaited and much needed vacation and in the 10 days since we’ve been back life has been hectic. My husband started a new job this week, I switched over to my summer work schedule, and one of my sisters got married. I spent quite a bit of time doing wedding things- last minute shopping, crisis-squashing, and management of some unruly groomsmen.
And to be honest, I’m not doing very well. My younger son was born in July 2007- he will turn one next month. When he was born he spent a week in the hospital due to respiratory troubles, but he has been wonderfully healthy ever since. I was strong and did very well for that week that we spent shuttling back and forth between home and the hospital- between our toddler and our sick newborn. We brought him home and I thought that would all continue. I thought we’d passed the bigges hurdle we could face.
When he was around 2 months old I became very aware of how exhausted I was all the time still. I was anemic at the end of my pregnancy, so I assumed I was still anemic and I went back to my doctor for lab work to see if something needed to be done. To my surprise, nothing came up as abnormal. I discussed things with my doctor and she suggested maybe a touch of Post-Partum Depression. I *really* don’t like to take medication if it’s not necessary- my body always over reacts to meds, even those as benign as Benadryl. So I put her off, but 2 months later found myself hardly able to get out of bed to take care of my kids. So we started the process of finding a drug that had tolerable side-effects for me. It took about 3 months to figure out the right drug but finally we hit on something, and I had felt normal again- like I was back to my old self.
I have spent the last month weaning off of the medication after 4 months of taking it daily, and I am not doing well. I’m so sad that this is not over. I’m struggling with guilt over this too- I feel like I’m failing my kids. I know this isn’t true, but that feeling is so real and overwhelming. We are temporarily without health benefits. As I said earlier, my husband started a new job this week and our benefits do not start for 30 days. The medication that works for me is very expensive, so I need to go without until we have coverage. I had sincerely hoped I would not need to continue the medication at all, but it is becoming far too obvious that that is no longer an option. I’m having a difficult time functioning in regular day-to-day happenings and that cannot continue.